How I began

I know that when I started this blog, I wrote an introductory post. But that was only part of the story. Now that I have a month under my getting smaller belt, I thought that I'd tell the rest.

Like many women, I struggled with my weight for years. YEARS. The last time I can remember being happy with my weight was in high school. Of course, I was WAY too thin back then...but what teenager listens to that? Fast forward through the next 10+ years through 1 difficult pregnancy, 1 normal pregnancy, 1 horrible marriage (followed by a nasty divorce), a few moves...and well, the pounds kept piling on and occasionally falling back off. Then I met my current husband, moved my kids and I across country and settled into a new life. Yet, even though I was happy, I couldn't stick with anything. Why? Who the hell knows. I'll leave all that self-analysis crap to Dr. Phil.

Then we have the last 2 years. My kids were now delightful teenagers. Their father died. My daughter got pregnant (again, PLEASE...no negativity, I'm begging you) and let me tell you...there is nothing more challenging than a pregnant teenager. Packed on more weight in the forms of anything I could get my hands on and in my mouth.

I've always been the person that did everything for everyone. No matter how tired I was or overworked. I gave and gave and gave until there was nothing left over for me. And when did I become someone who deserved nothing but leftovers anyway?

So...I popped one day. About 6 months of up and down depression led to my meltdown one day. No, I wasn't admitted to the psych ward (although, maybe that would have helped), I just went off. And I decided that I'd had ENOUGH. I...ME...was going to be FIRST from now on. MY well-being FIRST, everyone else afterward.

I'd admit, in the first few weeks I felt selfish. The kids were a bit surprised. People I dealt with through work were a little surprised when I didn't answer phone calls and emails 24/7 - but not upset. My husband even more surprised.

But they all were FINE. Imagine that. Not only fine, but doing great...doing things themselves.

And knowing they were all just as happy and healthy without me doing everything was quite liberating. It's made me a happier mom, wife and employee. In fact, my family has become really supportive.

Just this past Saturday, I was struggling a bit on the treadmill. My daughter comes outside with the baby and a sign the baby "made". It said, "Good Job, Nana!! I love you!!". It made every single struggle worth it. And I might have cried for the next quarter mile or so (and again every time I look at it!).

The moral of the story? Put yourself first. You deserve better than leftovers and your friends and family deserve the best you that you have to give.

I've waited a very long time to be this proud of myself.

A good week

Following the happiness at the doctor's office the other day (who would have ever thought I'd write happy and doctor in the same sentence), it's been a very good week. Make great choices at the sushi restaurant yesterday (and even planned in a few of my high calorie favorites), which is VERY hard for me. It's interesting, though, eating out now is getting to be a game. "Let's see how great I can do, still eat good food, and stay within my guidelines" is my new way to go out to eat. I leave the restaurant proud of myself and not stuffed so full I'm uncomfortable. Not only is that a huge accomplishment for me, but it is a radical change from how I've always done things.

Yesterday while I was in the shower, I used body soap instead of my regular liquid soap and a poof. I could definitely tell my thighs are smaller. I look in the mirror and can see my face is thinner. My clothes are baggier and the distance from belly to the steering wheel in my car is further. All this and I still have 60 pounds to go. I can only imagine how great I'll look and feel when I get closer to goal.

Oh, and I want rollerskates. Am I crazy, or what? And I'm pissed they don't have the lightup wheels in my size.

I can't wait for people to stop wondering what is different about me and realize it's weight loss.

HUGE Progress!

I am SO happy!! I went to the doctor this morning and my A1C level (your blood glucose levels over 90 days) was 6.1!! That means no medication! Yea me! She reviewed my log and says my after meal numbers are fine, but she wants to see my fasting blood sugar levels get down into the 90’s. I’d lost 5 pounds (according to their scale) since my visit 10 days ago, too. She is just thrilled and really happy with my progress. I go back in 3 months (after getting another A1C the week before) to check my progress. I no longer have to test 4x a day, but check my fasting blood sugar every morning and 4x a day once a week. No more sore fingers! I’m so happy and so proud of myself, I started crying. Such a baby :)

I'm also starting to look forward to exercising. Scary, isn't it? Saturday was totally hectic and I found myself at 8pm having not exercised at all. So, I laced up my new walking shoes and hit the dreadmill (yes, that's what I'm calling the stupid thing)for 45 minutes. Not only did I walk, but I RAN some intervals. Ok, it was 4 mph (yes, that's running for my short legs) for 30 seconds ever 5 minutes, but I was RUNNING. Yea me!!

On Friday night a friend of mine needed help with her computer. She lives in my neighborhood, about 2 miles away. Instead of driving my car over there (and wasting gas), I hopped on my bike and rode over there. While I was there, I tried out her elliptical. I so totally want one. I told my hubby maybe as a gift to myself for my birthday in December?

Holy crap, did I just say I want exercise equipment for my birthday?

I can't wait to go back to the doctor in September and for her to be blown away again by my progress.

Look Mom, your butt is smaller!

Who thought I'd ever hear that? But it's true! I'm comfortably in a size smaller jeans. I was daydreaming on the treadmill this morning (freaking hate that thing) and when I hit goal, it's conceivable that I could be in a size 8. 8!!! Whoa. I cannot remember when I was that size last.

Tuesday afternoon I tweeked something in my back. 4 years ago I threw out my lower back and spent WEEKS in agony (worst than labor!), so when my lower back is really hurting, I listen and take care of it. Took Wednesday and Thursday off from exercise and got a massage Wednesday night, which really helped. I probably could have exercised on Thursday, but I wanted to be sure. This morning I walked for my longest yet on the dreadmill (hey!! I like that!!) - 45 minutes. Then did some upper body exercises and crunches. I feel FABULOUS today.

Food this week was great - except Wednesday night. I don't know what got into me, but it wasn't real pretty. Unlike every other freaking time I've tried to do this, I didn't let it get to me and proceed to blow the rest of the week. I got up Thursday and got right back on it. I think that is something I really need to learn. One bad meal or day doesn't ruin all my hard work. Means I'm not perfect and the most important thing is to get right back on track. Perfect people are boring anyway. Who wants to be boring? *grin*

I can't wait to be out of the 20's sizes FOREVER. Watch out cutie clothes stores, I'm on my way!

Yea me!

I don't ever mean for there to be so many days between posts, but exercising twice a day, 6 days a week and meal planning is so time consuming. Not to mention exhausting. But, I've been keeping up with it and I can really see major changes. My belly is shrinking, my butt is firming up and I feel so much better. I went on a slightly longer, harder hike on Sunday and I was so proud of myself. It felt great to be outside and pushing myself. My time rocked! More than 2 mile per hour! Yea me!

On the pre-diabetes front, things are going really well. After eating what I thought was a good breakfast (high fiber english muffin, 1 T. peanut butter and 1/2 banana) my sugar was 26 points higher than what it should be. That made me realize that, as much as I hate doing it, I need to journal my food and watch my carbs. *insert much sighing* After only a few days, my numbers are coming in at right around, or less than, normal levels!! I still hate sticking my fingers, but I don't plan on doing it for much longer.

While searching YouTube for some upper body exercises, I came across one with a link to a site called Spark People. What a great site! Their nutrition tracker is very easy to use with a large database and since it is on the web, I can also add things at work. That way, no surprises at the end of the day. They also have teams and boards where I've already met some really nice people facing the same issues I am.

So, overall I'd say things are going really well.

I can't wait to NEVER weigh over 200 pounds EVER again.

Reality check

Pre-diabetic.

That word was enough to seriously scare the shit out of me. My doctor didn't like my numbers on my blood sugar test for the physical I drug myself to last month, so she ordered a 2 hour glucose test where the vampires suck out your blood 4 times over 2 hours after drinking this disgusting tang-like crap. Anyway, I was called on Monday asking me to come in to discuss. Not "let's talk on the phone", no it was "we need to see you this week". Bah.

So, in I go this morning and she tells me that while yes, the numbers are above normal, it isn't serious. But, untreated it could be. She went on to describe what can happen in full-blown diabetes and it wasn't pretty. I nearly wanted to toss my Cheerios all over the tissue paper covered table. Either way, it was reality slapping me right upside the head.

What's the plan? Continue to lose weight (I'd lost weight since my last appointment with her, so she was happy about that.), keep up the exercise, cut back on carbs and eat every 3-4 hours. Oh, and jam a little needle in my finger 5 times a day. Yee-freaking-ha! Do you know much it hurts? Guess not as much as it could if I lost my damn leg, so I should suck it up. Right?

I go back in 10 days and have to bring a log with me of all my results and I need to get one other blood test done, which she thinks will be alright. If I can keep up with what I'm supposed to do and lose more weight, we will stay with the plan. If not, on oral meds I go and I'm considered diabetic. And if I still continue to screw it up, I can look forward to injections.

Gee, if that isn't incentive to stick with it, what the hell else is? (ETA - Stick??? Ha!! I crack myself up!)

In keeping with my goal of closing my posts with positive thoughts - I can't wait until all my bloodwork is excellent.

Choices

Last night my family had so many errands to do, we decided to stop at Chili's for dinner. Eating out has always been a huge blow to the size of my ass. I used it as an opportunity to eat things I either never get to make at home (seafood, which my daughter hates, not prepared in the most healthy of ways) or don't cook (fried anything, I hate the smell and mess). And since I'm paying so much for the pleasure of adding inches to my ass, I better eat all of it.

I'd already had a bit of success eating out when my boss took me to lunch at a gourmet burger place that has the best burgers I've ever eaten. I ordered it with just fresh spinach (which I think is so much better than lettuce on burgers or sandwiches) and cheese (not great, but what's a burger with no cheese? Something I don't want to eat, that's for sure.). As soon as it was set down before me, I cut it in half and pushed half the sweet potato fries to the side. I also passed on the sugary lemonade I usually suck down and stuck with water. I left there proud of myself and not feeling so stuffed. And had leftovers for the hubby. A trip to WalMart on Saturday found my daughter and I at Subway for lunch. Again, I made such good choices. I got the kid's meal which includes a mini-sub (I got turkey, 1/2 piece of cheese, spinach, tomato and thinly sliced cucumbers on whole wheat bread), apple slices and water. I almost danced out of there I was proud of myself. A little boy in the checkout like really liked the toy the meal came with, making it even better.

So, back to Chili's. Usually I get the shrimp alfredo (so freaking fattening) or the Pick 3 appetizer plate screams out to me (and the kids, that's what they got). Instead, I ordered the cedar plank talapia with rice and steamed veggies - and asked the fish be prepared with no oil and the sauce on the side. Thank God I did, because that save 250 calories and 29 GRAMS OF FAT. Holy crap. And it was so damn good. The fish was perfectly cooked, moist and good with the seasoning rub they put on. I also pushed half the rice off to the side and didn't eat it. I took one small bite of my son's chicken crispers and one small bite of the spinach & artichoke dip from my daughter. I left so proud of myself and I didn't feel sick from all the fried/greasy/heavy food.

Sheer exhaustion kept me from my nighttime walk last night, so I went to bed early and got on the treadmill this morning as planned. Normally I'd blow that off, too, for another 45 minutes of sleep.

Could I really be doing this?

I can't wait until making healthy choices at restaurants is so common to me that I don't even think about it.

Working my ass off

Been a few days since I posted, but that's because I've been busy working my ass off. Literally. Down 4.5 pounds this week, which is a lot, but it will level off in a few weeks. So far, this is my training (how I love saying that!) schedule:

Monday: 1 hour Pilates AM, 1.5 mile walk PM
Tuesday: 1.5 walk AM, 1.5 mile walk PM
Wednesday: 1 hour Pilates AM, 1.5 mile walk PM
Thursday: 1.5 walk AM, 1.5 mile walk PM
Friday: Off Day
Saturday: 1 hour Pilates AM, 1.5 mile walk PM
Sunday: Increasingly longer hikes, 1.5 mile walk PM

Crazy, I know. The walks in the evening are for my daughter to go with me and lose her little bit of baby weight and to get a break from a fussy newborn. I come home from the walk and watch the baby while she showers, then I take a bubble bath and read until bedtime. It's become a nice way to end the evening. The bath helps settle me down after working out and keeps my legs from being sore.

I went on my first hike in, oh, about 2 years on Sunday morning. 6:30 AM found me on the trail. Why so early? Well, it gets pretty hot here in hell the desert in the summer, so you have to go early or possibly die. Someone bites it every year here. And not just newcomers to the inferno! If I had 5 bucks for every person I saw hiking with no water... Anyway, it felt SO great to hike again. 2 miles in 1 hour, which is a good pace for hiking. I felt awesome and it stuck with me for the entire day. How is it that I can walk on the treadmill for 2 miles and hate every minute, but put me on a trail with rocks, dirt and elevation changes and I'm happy as can be? I'm so weird.

Eating was damn good this week, too. In the past I've tracked every single thing that went into my mouth, driving myself crazy in the process. I got way to obsessive about it and if I couldn't figure out every single ingredient in something I felt like I blew it. Stupid, yes, but I have OCD and this makes it worse. So, I'm not journaling my food. I'm eating healthy, nothing to drink but water and milk and NO junk food (chips, the bane of my existence). I want this to be a lifestyle change that I can easily do for the rest of my life and I can't see myself tracking every single thing to hit my mouth until I'm dead. Forget it. Now, if I hit some crazy plateau, I might for a few days to see where I can make adjustments. But after 20 years of dieting (how pathetic is that???), I know what to eat and how much to eat of it. It's doing it that makes it work.

Here's to another week of working my ass off!

After knitting for 6 years and crocheting for 30, I can't wait to make myself my very first sweater. I have the pattern already picked out!

Motivation from odd places

I have this really good online friend who also happens to be a damn sexy soccer player (Yes, I'm married, I'm not dead.). He knows I've been working hard and losing weight (not how much, though, he doesn't need details) and has helped me figure out how to eat better and such. So, last night, I'm dead...I'm so tired and I don't want to do my evening walk. And I make the mistake of telling him I don't feel like it. What does he tell me?

"Well, it will sure suck that I'm sexier than you are". Bastard.

That pissed me off so much I immediately got offline, laced up my shoes and walked faster than I have in weeks. Sexier...we will see about that!

I can't wait until I AM so healthy, fit and wearing fabulous clothes and feeling totally sexy.

Truth

"I can't wait until I can fit into some of your cute clothes", I said to my size 8 daughter. "No offense, Mom, but you've been saying that for 5 years now.", was the reply.

Ouch.

But, she is right. So many times I've started, said the same things to everyone, including myself. And so many times I blew it.

So, other than that comment and this blog (that no one is reading - yet), I'm keeping it to myself this time around. Sure, the family knows I'm exercising, but I'll just make it matter-of-fact until I'm a few months into it - or they start noticing I'm getting smaller.

And just for the record, Pilates is HARD. Holy crap. I can feel my abs all day long after I've done my hour of hell exercise. But, someday, when all this belly fat is gone, my abs that were hiding all that time while I worked them to death, are going to be unearthed and they will be gorgeous! I know they are there, believe me, they are screaming at me today.

I thought about starting or ending all my posts with one thing I hate about being fat (yes, I am) and out of shape. But that is too damn negative and I've been far too negative with myself for WAY too long. So, I'm going to end each post with something I'm looking forward to. Much better positive energy, I think. So...

I can't wait to be proud of myself for my accomplishments.

Tired

I'm tired of being overweight and unhealthy. I'm tired of being uncomfortable all the time. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of being embarassed when I meet new people. I'm tired of shopping in the plus-size departments and settling for what fits. I'm tired of my weight being a barrier to all the things I want to do.

I'm totally sick and tired of it and I'm finally doing something about it. No, I'm BEYOND sick and tired of it.

You see over the side bar I've set my goal to 140. For the first time ever in starting over again, I could care less if I actually hit it. I just want to feel good about myself again. Not so much what I look like, although that wouldn't be a bad thing, I just want to feel good again. There are so many things I want to do and the weight just holds me back from it all.

I'm a 39 year old wife, mother of 2 teenagers and grandchild to a newborn little girl (Whatever you have to say about teenage pregnancy, please save it. I've thought/hear/read it all, thank you.) and I want to live to see them all grow up. And not just be alive, be ALIVE. Be active, not a blob on the couch. I want to be the grandmother that my granddaughter brags to her friends, "My Nana just hiked the Grand Canyon last weekend - again!".

I want to stop saying "When I lose weight (insert some activity, vacation, outfit)". I just want to freaking do, see, wear it.

We went to Sea World a few weeks ago. I was so worried about their being roller coasters there. Why? I was afraid I wouldn't fit into the seats. And I LOVE roller coasters - especially riding in the front. Then, there was the lady who I was standing with while waiting in line for the bathroom. Who asked when my baby was due. I almost started to cry.

I work for a small non-profit. In 2005 we held a long bicycle ride as a fundraiser where I ran the crew. Every single day I was exhausted, felt like shit and was embarassed being around all these athletes. They are riding 500 miles for our charity and I have to fork myself out of a chair at a rest station? Next year we are doing another ride, this one even harder and more remote. Now, I'll never actually participate in the ride. I'm a freaking klutz and don't think I'll ever belong on a mountain bike no matter how in-shape I am. But if our participants can train a year for it, I can train for a year and a half to be in decent shape to be a good crew leader. I won't lie, though. It will totally rock when people I haven't seen in 4 years see me at the ride. I hope they don't even recognize me!

Well, this was a very long introduction. Jennette from Half of Me has been a HUGE inspiration to me in her journey. I picked up her book over the weekend, Half Assed - a weight loss memoir and so many things made me sit back and nod - and try not to cry. She makes me feel that I can do this.

Why? Because I'm freaking worth it. My body deserves better than I've been treating it lately. Time to be nice to ME for a change, instead of everyone else BUT me.